My next post will be on my fetish for kung fu dramas (with hot guys).

Why I Like Wu3 Xia2 Ju4s.


zzzzzz doomed for the test tomorrow...


Why I am still kicking.

Ok actually, the question can be interpreted as "Why did i join nus soccer?" or, "Why am i still in soccer?".

Frankly, i don't really know the real answer to that.
Passion? Yes, but it i don't have as much desire in me as i used to have two years ago.(ok, it's not as much, but it's still a pretty substantial amount in comparison)
Two/three years ago, i had a different feeling. I wanted us to participate in Nationals to bloody badly. I wanted every single one of us to be committed and dedicated to the team. I wanted to be the best left winger i could be for the team. I wanted us to be the best that we could be in the few months that we had. I wanted us to have all the trainings under a teacher that we could possibly have.
Now, i feel pressurised whenever a match comes up because i am the weakest link in the team.
Whenever coach gives me yet another valuable opportunity to play as a right back, i feel pressurised to perform. My heart pumps hard against my chest. So hard that i can feel it.
But i know this feeling stems from the fact that my team mates are all much better than me. In terms of skills, intelligence, experience and mindset. They are superior in every aspect. I know whenever i dread playing in a match it is because i feel that i will make another deadly mistake and let everyone down. This stress that i feel is because i am still not good enough. That is why i have to work harder. Harder than anyone else because i lack the talent and the brains. I acknowledge this fact and so sometimes i will train on my own.(so far only twice or thrice la HAHA)
Recently, my friend told me that she is going to quit.
I was taken aback at her decision. It was something that i never saw coming(especially from her).
Then, it dawned on me that, hey, i actually had a choice whether or not i wanted to join soccer and whether or not i wanted to remain in this team.
Subsequently, i realised that to me, it was never a choice.
I never had to hesitate to make this decision. I never had to put in effort to even think about it.
It never crossed my mind in the first place.
After 'A' levels, when we were all thinking about what we should join.
To me it was just "soccer lor, if i can get pass the trials, that is.".
Now, as much as i hate being the weakest link, i have not thought of stopping.
Maybe someday next semester or next year i might. I don't know.
But right now, i cannot imagine life without trainings, soccer, the field, the ball, getting scolded by my seniors, getting reprimanded by arasu, the feeling of utter euphoria when i make a good move, the way the ball moves when my feet touches it ... ... I cannot forget how alive i feel in my boots.
I want to be involved in this. I still want to be here.