Today i scored a goal!
HAHAHA
But it wasn't during a match.
Just during a 5v5 drill.
Coach said to end at 9pm so we decided to end after either team scored a goal.
So when i scored, i was elated. I was happy because it's sort of like a crucial goal that has to be scored during a match.
(and also because i was pretty hungry and thirsty.)
So yay.
good night!



Weil was telling me how 'emo' razzy seems to be and how he doesn't seem to be as excitable and as 'happy' as he used to be in the past.

It kind of affected me.

I couldn't exactly do much to help him. I didn't know what he wanted. I didn't know if he was happy.
He may seem happy to see us or when he sees a treat but is he truly happy?
so i decided to go down to see him today..
I saw this volunteer who does dog walking on weekends and she was also the same person whom i always see scratching Razzy from outside the kennel. She too, like me, has yet to enter his kennel without the fear of being nipped.

But today i came with a purpose.
Having borrowed this book yesterday, the familiar words that Cesar Milan always used -- 'calm and assertive energy' ricocheted through my mind.
(I am aware that there are many out there who do not agree with his training methods.)

On my way there, i was telling myself how i should feel less tensed and nervous when i am thinking of entering his kennel as this negative energy can be felt by the dog just like how we can feel their negative energy when they hit the red zone or are on the verge of entering the red zone.
(I apologise if i am saying conceptually wrong stuff because i am no expert(i hope to be one though))

Armed with some treats that i brought, we both decided to take turns to enter his kennel.
One thing about razz is that his attention is always fixated on food whenever he sees/smells one. I went in empty-handed and was pretty confident that he would be distracted by my friend holding the treat outside.
True enough, he was!
In fact, he was entirely focused on her. i petted him and got her to treat him as i did so.
When she finished the treats, i remained in his kennel. Gradually he became calmer and reverted to his usual 'i'm lying down, give me a belly rub' state. pretty submissive and less excitable. He was also visibly more relaxed.
I was also glad that i managed to let go of all the tension/anxiety i had in me.
I was glad that i was able to stay in his kennel and shower him with some tender loving care without fear for the first time in a year.
I went out and i gave him the entire chicken stick treat without breaking it into smaller pieces(in hopes of helping him to associate me being in the kennel with him as a good thing and to reward his good behavior(for being calm and not nipping)).

I went in the second time and after a while, i started to sense that he was getting a little more excited. (this is when you kind of know when the nipping will start)
Immediately, i stood up, signaled for him to sit, got him to lay down and finally did a pawshake. i just tried to shift his focus away from nipping to basic obedience? I don't know, but it helped. after he did what he was commanded, i showered him with praises and then bent down to kiss him heehehehe then i got out after awhile.
Then my friend went in and again, after awhile he started to nip at her leg. So i called out to him from outside the kennel and got him to do the basic commands while she exited.

The third and last time that i went in, he was munching on the treats. I took it from him and got him to do the same few commands a couple of times and rewarded him as he did them. That was all.
It's a huge step he is making. and i hope that he will continue to progress.
As his pack member (haha), i hope to progress together with him and finally watch him end up with a family who loves him much more than i do.
My next step would be to do this even when my friend is not around.

I realised that it is wrong to treat a dog like a human.
Sometimes(or most of the time) affection from us is merely a means to satisfy ourselves.(according to Cesar)
However, i do believe in the bond between humans and dogs.

Dear Razzy,

I wish i could communicate with animals so that i will know exactly what you are thinking and from there, i would be able to understand you better.

I hope, ok no, i know someone special will come by one day for you.
He/she will look deeply into your brown soulful eyes.
Your gazes would interlock.
Then, the background fades to black and the sounds and smells dissipate to nothingness.
You both will then realise that in this world, only you can make him/her happy, only him/her deserves your unwavering loyalty and only him/her deserves a dog like you.

He/she will bring you to places you have never been to before, let you sniff at grass that is yours and only yours to pee and defecate on, provide you with stimulating toys and bring you on walks along the railway tracks as you both watch the sun set together.
You bark ferociously at the train when it comes because you see it as a threat to him/her.
At the beach, you run off-leash but eventually, after sniffing out every single human and dog there, you find your way back to him/her.
You both go home, take a bath together then fall asleep on the couch while waiting for your fur and his/hair to dry.

Is that what you want too?
Or is that just what i want for you?

Love,
me.


Two days ago, i dreamt that i stumbled upon two black cats doing it.

somehow, i found out that they have not been sterilized yet.
then i covered my face with my palm and groaned, "arrrrrrrrrgh , shit.".
i went forward and tried to pull the black cat on the top off the other black cat and then it ended.

------


i think i know why i like facebook.

if there ever is a function or setting that allows the user to check who has seen his/her profile and the number of times this person has viewed his/her profile...

some things will be revealed about me:
1. I AM A SCARY SILENT STALKER. triple s.
2. i change my 'victims' every month or so.
3. I AM A CRAZY STALKER.
4. I CAN BE OBSERVED TO VISIT THE TARGET'S PAGE AN AVERAGE OF TEN TIMES A DAY DURING PEAK 'SEASON'.
shitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

on a side note, i will be attending my very first Taekwondo lesson next Friday!!!
so i can be less of a paranoid and my goal would be to be able to beat up animal abusers if i ever see catch any. there's a plethora of other reasons though, just no 'main' reason.
1. i wish to go on solo cycling trips and not constantly think of how someone would pounce on me from the bushes and rape me...
2. i want to be able to walk home in the night in a dress/skirt without the fear of someone hooking my neck from behind then rape/murder/kidnap me.
3. i want to be able hunt thieves/robbers/burglars/shoplifters down like a wolf if i ever catch one, that is.
4. opens up another window of opportunity should i decide to pursue a career in the police K9 unit.(i am not joking)
5. to protect myself and the ones i care for should the need arise.
6. to be more courageous.
7. i've been wanting to do this since i was in primary school.
8. build up leg muscles(hopefully they don't look too big) -> can kick further and with more power(which i lack and uncle sam advises me to train my long kicks) = killing two birds with a stone.

lastly,
i am starting to reduce my meat intake to poultry only.
or rather just chicken.
slowly, i will try to reduce it to thrice a week, then twice a week, then once a week...


Just got up from a nap.

I dreamt that while waiting for my Subway sandwich to get heated up, i noticed flames emerging from one of the metal frames at the counter. I alerted the counter staff and advised her to put out the flame immediately. To my horror, she jokingly said it was "nothing one la" and even held a naked flame(from an external source which looked like a some green spray can) to it. being pyrophobic(actually i just can't start a fire with anything but matchsticks and i will go crazy if i have to sit beside a gas tank), i ran out of the mrt station and in my mind i was imagining that that vent was connected to every gas pipe in the area and maybe the world. as i was running, i realised that everyone ran as well. I also overheard Wilber Pan(yes, the taiwan artiste) saying that he could "smell so much gas in the air". when i reached a traffic junction, there was a crowd of about 500 people trying to get across. i shouted to everyone, "IF YOU CAN'T GET FURTHER THAN THIS CROSSING JUST RUN TO YOUR LEFT OR RIGHT. SPREAD OUT HORIZONTALLY INSTEAD OF VERTICALLY!!! JUST GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HERE AS YOU CAN!!!" then i ran and i ran... i remembered thrusting 2 people forward along the way so that they would run faster.
It's not the first time that i have a dream like this.
and time and again, i have proven that i am the kind of person who would save myself first when a real disaster strikes. i can never be the hero that i want to be. i really only care about myself.(too much)

In my second dream, i joined a dance troupe and i told my 3 group mates that i couldn't dance at all. throughout the dream, i was following them around and i met other new friends. everyone was donning themed costumes complete with heavy make-up. everyone had their respective groups. i was wearing this really long beige dress and i tripped while i was walking down this flight of stairs and bumped into the wall beside me. i felt so uneasy and i felt that i was trying too hard. i was trying too hard to fit into a mould that was made for someone else. i could never express myself through dance and drama. it was tiring to just see people twirl around on the stage executing sleek/graceful moves. it was tiring to see people completely immersed in their own world, which was unfortunately, different from mine. it was tiring because i know that i can never achieve whatever standards that i set for myself in this troupe. i was desperately asking them if there were any other things i could do such as costume designing, prop designing or logistics. then, it ended.
i never got around to knowing how i would have dealt with being in that world and/or being the weakest being there.
well, i do know a lot about being the weakest link,
but that will be another blog post.