hi, its about 330am in the morning.
it's been a long time since i last typed something into this piece of cyberspace that i sort of own.
anyway, im here because i suddenly thought about primary school.
haha yep,
as i was about to enter the daily coma routine, the journals i wrote in primary school just surfaced in my mind.
albeit feeling rather lethargic from staring into the computer screen for most of today, i got up and read the three journals i wrote to my primary 4 form teacher, who was also one of my favourite teachers.
it was mostly immature gibberish; nonsensical incantations of how much i hate my brother.
fortunately, i can say i love him now.
but then again, i don't think i have truly loved anyone before.
yes, not even my parents.
i am a selfish piece of shit.
at home, i mostly think of myself, my well-being etc.
it's quite sad that the only living thing i admit to have loved is my ex-dog.
i reckon my brother knows what love is.
this i can tell not only from the 2/9 times hes been in a serious relationship, but also from the way he treats my mother. my brother may be a sucker for online games, but i have to admit that he is way more sensible and giving when it comes to family.
my brother may not have an ambition, he may not know what he wants to do in life though he is turning 22 this year, but yet, he surpasses me in all other aspects besides the aforementioned.
what the, i think i inadvertently wrote the introduction of a thesis on roston lim...

zzzzzzz my original intention was to talk about what i wrote in those journals.
basically it contained a considerable amount of newspaper clippings(only because it was required, i hated to read newspapers) coupled with shallow^1000 000 comments like
"the child is so ____________. i think he deserves it. OR BE QUAK!!"
YEAH MAN, i sighted quite a few 'OR BE QUAK's, of which some were written at the end of a complaint about one of my good friends. HAHAHA
there was also this brief period during primary four that i was on good terms with my table mate, who happens to be lennon, who happens to be in njc, and who happens to be one of those friends i don't even say hi to.(i bet he doesn't give a shit either rofl)
i wrote about how much i liked pearlyn, who happened to go to rv as well, and whom i happened to be in the same class as during my lower secondary school years. pearlyn and i are still friends, and she is the kind whom i would always feel comfortable being around. we've been friends for a decade.
and then there was airu, the friend whom i spent almost every second of my p4 life with.
also the one whom i chatted with on the phone for a record 3 hours, if i remember correctly.
there was also julian, whom i explicitly mentioned in a few journal entries as my rival.
and my teacher kindly told me not to compare myself with him.
i also realised that he was someone that i've spent 5/6 of my primary school life with, and i have always regarded him as a rival during the 5 years that we were in the same class.
wrote some stuff about him laughing at me during touch-typing lessons because my penguin fell off the cliff.
and because julian was also a catholic, i thought of catechism lessons.
till now, i still do not consider myself a catholic, despite having been baptised.
i have never committed myself to attending church regularly, though sometimes i do ponder over how it feels like to have a religion.
catechism also reminded my of my lower primary class, because most of us were catholics, i remember chelsea, joyce, clarissa, and a dear friend yiling.
joyce was my best friend during those 3 years.
one day, perhaps one or two years back, she appeared in my home.
why? because she ended up as my brother's partner.
fortunately, it was just for a brief period of time(<2 weeks).

there are so many other people in primary school to remember and who were not mentioned in those journals.
reading those journals reminded me of how much i have changed.
i was competitive and conscientious in primary school, i wrote that i loved challenges.
but who am i now? or rather what am i now?
a bastard child i suppose.
one consolation was that i have matured over the past half a decade or so.
if not for what my father told me at a coffee shop in jurong west way back in 2004(or was it 05?),
i would not have the mindset i have today.
the mindset piangs aman and niangs would normally joke about.
so was it my father's words that changed me?
i think it would have to be a yes.

k its 415. see you next time. after prelims.
[edit/ i stated in my autograph book then that my favourite sports were badminton and soccer. so cute right!
and errrr apparently, my (self-bestowed)alias was 'xiao hui'. yes you may now puke into your dustbin. i'd rather call myself ah beng/ah kiao/ah siang/ah bao/ah seng than that now.]
I MISS RV
I MISS RUNNING
I MISS KICKING
I MISS BEING A HARD WORKING EMILY